In high school, during my senior year, I was perpetually stoned. I did this to escape the time that I was required to spend in school. My first three years in high school sucked. everything I had done to piss off the people that I had been in school will followed me and spread. While they flourished and made new friends, I felt that my invisible barrier of who I could be friends with became smaller and smaller.
I hit a point where I dreaded almost every second that I was there. There were few people that I was thankful for. They were underclassmen and didn't know about my past or social status in school. I spent my mornings wake n baking on the way to school. During 2nd hour I'd take a quick hit in the men's bathroom off my one hitter. Then during the end of 3rd or beginning of 4th I'd excuse myself to smoke up quickly to make they time magically disappear in my stoned stuper. Next on the list was lunch time, for the first 3 yrs I did not know what to do with myself. I spent it either in the computer room, hiding out somewhere else or working on something in the general forum. anything to keep me away from the giant room filled with people eating. yes I suffered from social anxiety. I avoided it out of fear of being rejected. It was easier to avoid and lie to myself then face what I ultimately wanted, which was acceptance.
I felt lonely and useless. Don't get me wrong I was smart and excelled at academics, but when it came to people you might as well have put a helmet on me and had me color in the corner of the room with crayons. it felt like i was destined to fail at this. No matter what I did to try to make freinds for the most part i failed. This unhappiness was what lead me to the drugs in the first place. Even worse when people did try to include me I would systematically unconcsiously sabotage my addition. Classic examples included turning down the few parties I was invited to. Sometimes I would come up with the same lame shit as you see in the movie superbad when asked how my weekend was.
Up until the end of my senior year, I had never once gone drunk. Due to not being able to skip school for senior ditch day with out being dropped from two necessary classes, I snuck in a 20 oz bottle filled with vodka and had a juice chaser. There had been a hottie in my math class that sat next to me that I wanted to hook up with so bad. Before and during class I was drinking. I felt this change come over me. I was more comfortable in my own skin, confident and funny. I walked out of that class with her number later to never call her.
This one experience lead me to the rapid hole that is alcohol. After high school, this new found drug became a staple as well as weed. I was responsible thou. I had a job so the weed was a yes during the week but alcohol was saved for the weekends.
No matter how hard I tried I found that I couldn't fix what was going on with me. 1 on 1 i was fine with or without drugs, but make the group more than four or have more than that in the room and I would NEED alcohol or I'd shut down. I never considered myself an addict even though I clearly am one.
Whenever some new drug came around I was down to try it. Always on the search to find something to fix me, even if it was only temporary. Depending on the drug it always amazed me the difference in the DR. Jekll/Mr. Hyde effect it would have on me.
I scoured the internet for legal drugs and experimented with all types of shit. I remember at one point the thought of death came into my conscience. I made a deal with myself I wouldn't slice my wrists, throw myself infront of a bus or hang myself; I promised myself this, but a drug overdose was ok to me. in fact there were times where i consumed more and more just to see what would happen, limits and boundries were replaced with carefree and recklessness. On one such experiment I ate a 1/2 oz of shrooms to come down feeling like I had permanently retarted myself. Within a week I was back to normal and hadn't learned my lesson and the drug/alcohol fueled craze continued.
Looking back I needed help, had opportunities for it and rejected my options at every crossroad i encountered them.
Eventually the way I felt plus a future job would lead into a lifestyle that would continue the downward spiral of unhappiness and provide me with the means to pursue and perpetuate a new level of lifestyle of self destruction.
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